Live and let live

Female
Austin, TX

I could really use friends right now

Its been a really realllyyyy long time. Ive been dealing with a lot these past two years, it feels like its been ages. A rough break up, losing everything I had in an apartment fire, getting kicked out of my mothers house shortly after because she learned I was using marijuana for my depression, moving 2 hours away to my new boyfriends mothers house and commuting 2 hours each way for work, finally getting another place of our own a couple months later only to have my boyfriend get laid off only a 2 weeks later, carrying all financial responsibility for months till he finally was hired on at another job, then I got in a car accident (someone crashed into me from the side while I was traveling at 60mph causing me to flip my car into the median of the highway) that left me with severe spinal pain and PTSD that I still deal with everyday even now a year later. Doctors appointment 4x a week. Falling more and more behind in debt from opening credit cards after the fire. I cant catch a break. My boyfriend and I havent been on a date in who knows how long. My 21st birthday was this year and I feel like I missed out. I literally do NOTHING for pleasure anymore. There is never music in my ears, never a sunny day, never a spring in my step. Ive been abandoned by all my “friends” and “Family”. Ive completely forgotten how to live. I used to be the happiest person- no matter what I had been through(I also had a very rough childhood) I was always able to find the silver lining. My brain doesnt even work the way it used to. Even writing this post Im having the hardest time of my life finding the words to express, even to just put simple sentences together. Im paralyzed.  Im 100% a different person. I’m constantly overwhelmed with fear and anxiety, and honestly its a miracle Im still here. The scratches on my arms and legs are only a .0001% reflection of the pain I feel inside. If it werent for my FUCKING AMAZING boyfriend and his emotional support thus far I honestly wouldnt be here. But sadly my pain is started to bring him down too. I see the light leaving his eyes too, and I fear that the giant load of stress he’s been carrying this past year is possibly manifesting itself physically in him because he thinks he’s found a cancerous spot /: and we dont even have the money to get him to a doctor or treatment. I feel fucking horrible but I have no idea how to stop this fucking nightmare. Well, I do, I just dont know how to make it happen. I have no resources, no energy, no strength. I literally have lost 50 lbs because we cant afford to eat properly and thats the worst thing for someone with depression. I know that the base line of conquering depression is supposed to be exercising and eating right but if I dont have money I cant eat, if I cant eat I cant pull myself out of bed. Its terrible how much money can play into someones mental stability. When I met my boyfriend I learned the unimportance of material possessions, especially after losing our apartment and everything Ive had since I was a child..as long as we have each other. But 2 years of not having food to eat, no art on my walls, no make up, no new sheets, no new clothes to fit my now frail and petite figure -not even owning socks, not being able to fix our cars and get them running without constantly breaking down on us, or even get our tags updated so Im not fearful of being pulled over everytime I drive ON TOP OF my already crippling PTSD. I JUST NEED A FUCKING BREAK. Last night I had the worst break down of my life. I literally feel like I’m going crazy. Im SO terrified. I cant tell whats real or whats just my mind catastrophizing and Im just so used to bad things happening that I cant help but assume the worst and constantly be bracing for the next wall to fall on me. This is such a vicious cycle that I have no idea how to break. I need help. This is all I have the strength to do anymore, I cant even fool myself with fake happiness anymore. An object at rest stays at rest. I need help. Just some reassurance that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel. Anyone. Please.

youthfolly:

americangothgirl:

During WWII, Irena got permission to work in the Warsaw ghetto, as a Plumbing/Sewer specialist. She had an ulterior motive.Irena smuggled Jewish infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried. She also carried a burlap sack in the back of her truck, for larger kids.Irena kept a dog in the back that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The soldiers, of course, wanted nothing to do with the dog and the barking covered the kids/infants noises.During her time of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2500 kids/infants. Ultimately, she was caught, however, and the Nazi’s broke both of her legs and arms and beat her severely.Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she had smuggled out, In a glass jar that she buried under a tree in her back yard. After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived and tried to reunite the family. Most had been gassed. Those kids she helped got placed into foster family homes or adopted.In 2007 Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize. She was not selected. Al Gore won, for a slide show on Global Warming.

Im actually crying right now, she fucking deserved the noble peace prize. No presentation about anything can compare to what kind of sacrifices this woman has made to save the lives of children and unite them with their families, despite having all her limbs cut off her body. This makes me so mad. This woman needs to be recognised every fucking where. I don’t care if this isn’t your blog style, you need to reblog this.

youthfolly:

americangothgirl:

During WWII, Irena got permission to work in the Warsaw ghetto, as a Plumbing/Sewer specialist. She had an ulterior motive.

Irena smuggled Jewish infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried. She also carried a burlap sack in the back of her truck, for larger kids.

Irena kept a dog in the back that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The soldiers, of course, wanted nothing to do with the dog and the barking covered the kids/infants noises.

During her time of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2500 kids/infants. Ultimately, she was caught, however, and the Nazi’s broke both of her legs and arms and beat her severely.

Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she had smuggled out, In a glass jar that she buried under a tree in her back yard. After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived and tried to reunite the family. Most had been gassed. Those kids she helped got placed into foster family homes or adopted.

In 2007 Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize. 
She was not selected. 
Al Gore won, for a slide show on Global Warming.

Im actually crying right now, she fucking deserved the noble peace prize. No presentation about anything can compare to what kind of sacrifices this woman has made to save the lives of children and unite them with their families, despite having all her limbs cut off her body. This makes me so mad. This woman needs to be recognised every fucking where. I don’t care if this isn’t your blog style, you need to reblog this.

(via healthfitnation)

pantymime:

if there’s anything I can’t handle right now it’s this

pantymime:

if there’s anything I can’t handle right now it’s this

(via requited)